Bill Simmons, It’s time we had a talk.

Dude is a tool. 

Ok Sports Guy, I have been a fan of yours for a long time, you have been funny, a little cutting edge, a little corny, but good nonetheless.

Well, your last few articles were the end of the line. Some say it was years ago, some say it was when you joined up with the Worldwide Leader. Well I gave you a chance others haven’t, and you betrayed me. You went behind my back and started being a whiny little girl about everything you used to be rational about. You started making egreious mistakes that no writer should should ever make. You keep claiming to know what the true fan thinks, but you are far from the pulse of any fan base, let alone the Red Sox fans. And you have gone to the inside.

I am going to keep this short, but this is why its over.

Your quotes in bold.

Your latest Mailbag.

But most of all, I’d want to go to “The Bachelor” fantasy camp and just reenact rose ceremonies and bad dates. I think I’d pay $4,000 for this.

Are you effing serious, dude? You wasted a mailbag question on a Saved By the Bell/Grey’s Anatomy/Bachelor fantasy camp question? What are you the E! News Guy? are you going to host the Daily 10 with another ESPN employee Sal Masakela?

In real life, you should never split 10s when someone else has $300,000 riding on the table…

Thanks for teaching us how to gamble, how are your rules working in that other card game? I am glad your football picks are working out for you as well. Oh right, no one believes you have any insight into sports whatsoever.

Regarding the equivalent of a hung over lady friend asking if you had sex last night Bill equates it with an amazing win in a a night game, then having your pitcher give up a bunch of runs in the first of the following day game. The he says this: By the way, this is a mortal lock to happen any time the Sox win a dramatic Friday night game against the Yanks. Guaranteed. You know, if that ever happens again.

Hey thanks for the positivity, if you ever say you keep the faith and chastize those who may not believe in their team at any one point, you can go suck the proverbial biscuit.

Hey, four straight non-sports related questions in a row (no sports equivalent questions don’t count, they are sad excuses for you to give us “man advice”. Thanks. I am doing fine on my own.)

One of his favorite places to catch a sporting even is: Front row between home plate and the home dugout, Game 7 of the World Series. Best possible seat, PLUS you’re in serious foul ball territory and you might even be able to interfere with one of the opposing players on a pop-up. Really no downside.

I hope you catch that foul ball soon, Bill! You gonna push a kid over for it? O you are going to intefere with an opposing player? Then brag to your buddy Hench about how awesome it was to change the course of a game you aren’t involved in other than as a cheerleader? Good to know you are such a purist.

Your infatuation with Lindsay Lohan and all things U.S. weekly is getting kind of scary.

You root for a school for four reasons: Either you grew up near them, you followed them since you were kid, you went there or your kid is going there. And that’s it. For instance, let’s say that I decided tomorrow, “UCLA is a half-hour from my house and I like their uniforms … screw it, I’m becoming a Bruins fan!” And I started going to football and basketball games and sitting with alumni and fans whose families had been following them for four generations. I mean, wouldn’t that be a little weird? That’s like showing up at some stranger’s house for Thanksgiving and being like, “Hey, I’m in the family now! Pass the turkey!” I just couldn’t do that and feel good about it.Your whole explanation for not choosing a college to root for is EXACTLY how you chose your English Premiere League team. You chose Tottenham because they are in London, and you would only want to visit there, you liked their uniform, you liked them because they weren’t one of the big four so you thought you could be cool choosing a “darkhorse”. Too bad they came in 5th last season, and have a ton of potential to be a top 4 team. The fans in England feel the same way about their teams, they are born into it, they don’t make a spectacle about it using superficial criteria.

I just think the whole process was inane. We’re going to lose to Brazil, Spain or Argentina. I’m telling you.The verdict is still out on this. I don’t think it will happen, but we will see.

About Rangers pitcher Feldman after he threw at a small Angels player: He should have been suspended an extra 10 games just for being a wuss.

Ten bucks says you don’t come within 10 feet of Adam Kennedy when he is mad. You would be in the clubhouse faster than if they told you the new InSyle just got delievered.

Look, don’t forget that I’m an idiot. Don’t forget this for a second.

Well you got that much right.

Your Trip to Wisconsin

Gentleman, start your tailgates! We’re drinking outside the ballpark, which looks like a giant Space Vulva from the outside (as I described in detail back in 2002).

Thanks for linking to an insider article. I am sure it was a riveting description that had some point whatsoever. But probably not.
We’re headed to our seats one inning late…

L.A. is getting to you Bill. Bet you made a whole row stand up.
That’s one of those terms where you immediately assume that it IS special, kinda like when a restaurant throws in the phrase “world famous” to describe any of their foods, even though it’s impossible for some random seafood joint in Cape Cod to have “world famous” clam chowder.

First off, thanks for making an observation I have heard 3 times today and probably originated on Seinfeld. Also, you should know better Cape Cod is a peninsula, not a town. Therefore, when you refer to something from there, you say ON Cape Cod. ON. You are IN Boston, but when you go to an island, you are ON it. As a Cape Codder this pisses me off to no end.

That leads to a spin-off discussion: What in God’s name makes Damon so great to have in the clubhouse?

If you weren’t a pawn to the WWL, I could go back to one of your articles raving about Damon’s intangibles in the clubhouse when he was on the RED SOX. But nooooooo, he is a Yankee now, so we have to doubt what we said one year ago.

Not to sound like legendary Hollywood producer Bob Ryan…

Lookee there, staying hip, showing you watch Entourage. This joke would have been better to lead off the column by the way. Saying ” What if I told you you could take a weekend and fly to Milwaukee to see some friends, hit two baseball games, abuse your body, do some tailgating and make the holy pilgrimage to Lambeau Field. Would that be something you’d be interested in?” Without dropping any obvious references. Of course, I am only 20 and still in school, so you must know how to form your columns better.

Thats another obvious thing you have been slacking on. You aren’t creative anymore. All you do is babble on, nothing different.

Did I mention that the 7-8-9 batters for Houston tonight are Adam Everett (hitting .239), Eric Munson (.207) and Brandon Backe (.139)? Let’s just legalize performance-enhancing drugs in the National League. It’s time.

You realize you just used a pitcher in your silly cut at the NL right? You went to make a funny and put in a friggin pitcher as your evidence. Top notch stuff, Bill.

I’m going with “Hate It or Love It” by The Game. I’d want to be the first white baseball player who crosses the at-bat music racial barrier. Like the Reverse Jackie Robinson.

Oh, only black people can listen to rap? I will remember that next time I try to listen to it, gotta turn it off, don’t want to ruffle any feathers.

Don’t listen to me.

Done.

Chip picks us up in his minivan. And why? Because that’s how we roll, beyotch.

Oh, you slay me. So funny with your blackcent.

We were a little worried about rain today, but we just passed a herd of cows, all of whom were standing. According to Chip, if cows are lying down, that means rain is coming. If they’re standing, you’re OK. These are the things you learn in Wisconsin.

I learned that on Cape Cod. There are cows everywhere you know? Its not tough to find these things out.

So which sample did I like more? Naturally … the Bud Light. I want to kill myself. How is this possible? I feel like my whole life has been a lie. Gallo liked the Bud Light more as well. The girls seem testy. I had drunken hookups in college that ended better than this.

Stop being a little bitch and drink whatever you want. I bet you could have left that paragraph out and probably still written 238749874398742 words about nothing.

Did I mention we have pre-game field passes? And we’re standing ON Lambeau Field? Right behind the visiting uprights? All of us are walking around looking like Cruise and Bacon after Col. Jessup admits to the Code Red. I don’t know what to say. I’m speechless. I’m not a good enough writer to describe this. Metal rows, green jerseys, green grass and a blue-red sky. What else do you need in life?

Should have sent a poet. Also, what else do you need in life? How bout a good team to go with that history? That’d be fun. And don’t tell me you value the history of the franchise blah blah blah, because you abandoned the Bruins and they reek history.

Here’s what happened: A Brewer popped a foul ball straight back, and we were looking up for it, and then we realized that — wait a second, that’s coming toward us!!!!!!! — and it started falling and falling, and the whole thing took long enough that I had time to put my notebook in my pocket and wait for the ball to ricochet toward us. Wouldn’t you know, it landed one row in front of us, four seats to my right, and the guy in that seat tried to catch it with his hat. So what happened? The ball ripped through the hat, bounced off the sidewalk in our row, then caromed one row behind us straight to the kid sitting RIGHT BEHIND ME. That’s right, my lifelong foul ball drought continues. I’ve never been that close. The Foul Ball Gods are officially taunting me.

“Damn,” I said to Chipper. “Catching a foul ball would have been the perfect ending to this column.”

Yea, then you could kick a little kid in the nuts and laught at him because that would have been perfect!

“I don’t know,” he said. “It’s pretty tough to top standing on Lambeau Field.”

This is true. And that’s why you go to Milwaukee in August.

This better have been a cut by your editor. That has to be the worst ending to a column you obviously worked your ass off for (though the results didn’t come through in the least). Lazy,unorginal and not thought out.

You used to be cool, Bill. Try harder next time.